


Sometimes It's Real

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, During Canon, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Canon, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-26
Updated: 2008-09-04
Packaged: 2018-09-03 03:35:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8694781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: John never told Sam and Dean about the Supernatural instead they believed their dad was a crazy and an absentee father. After Sam leavs for college Dean finds out the truth and now he has to convince Sam to help him find their dad while struggling with jealously issues and childhood issues.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** Sam/Dean, John/Dean, Jess/Sam

  
Author's notes: The prologue is from four people's POV (Jess, Sam, Dean, and Ellen) all thinking about the boys' childhood and their dad. Background info vital for the story.  


* * *

1 – Jessica

 

When Jess had met Sam he’d been nineteen and so full of life and possibilities. He was the only person she had ever seen adapt that quickly to college life. It didn’t seem to bother him at all, living in a different place, not having any friends here, having to work his butt off at school – luckily he had gotten a full ride, a scholarship to Stanford that meant he didn’t have to work if he didn’t want to but even then he picked up a few jobs around the place to bring in extra cash. Of course as Jessica got to know him she soon saw the… she didn’t know how to describe it. The emotion that lingered inn his beautiful brown eyes was something in-between anger, sorrow, regret, guilt, and mourning. He missed his brother, she as sure of it, even if he never talked about it except to say that he had a brother called Dean, Jess still realised that it pained him to be away from his family, from his big brother. Sometimes she was jealous in a rather petty and disturbing way because she often thought that Sam would never feel the depth of emotions for his brother for any one else; aka her. But then she remembered that Dean and Sam hadn’t spoken in two years and her empathy got the better of her. 

 

2 – Sammy/Sam

 

People tended to get Sam wrong. Whether it was Ellen misinterpreting his anger at his dad, or Missouri misunderstanding why he had gone to Stanford. Dean – his forever protector and best friend – had always understood without Sam needing to speak. Like when Dean could tell the difference between a moment when he could tease Sam about his sensitivities and chant ‘no chick flick moments, bitch’ at him and Sam would happily reply ‘jerk’, and a moment when Sam was crying because he was just so hurt and scared and frustrated – a moment that calling him a bitch would likely get him punched or something. 

 

It was one of the reasons why Sam missed Dean so much. That and the fact that Dean had been the only constant in his life for all of his twenty-two years, the one person he could reply on not to abandon him like dad had, hell even Bobby Singer and Caleb had been known to ditch them at a moments notice, no explanation required.

 

Sam hadn’t just left to study and go to school properly. Yes, that had been a part of it but he had also left because it hadn’t been healthy the way Sam was the only person in Dean’s life. Hell, Dean had been twenty-four when Sam had left and still no serious girlfriend or anything, not even sixteen year old Jo making eyes at him had swayed him. Which had probably been a good thing since Sam knew for a fact that Ellen had a shot gun behind the bar, locked and loaded.

 

Sam hadn’t told Dean this when he had left – he had just expected Dean to know like he always knew because he knew Sammy. Maybe that was what had hurt the most, the fact that Dean hadn’t understood, hadn’t known.

 

3 – Ellen

 

Ellen never really understood why John Winchester never came clean about how Mary had really died and what he really spent his time travelling over America doing to those boys. And she told him so in plane, loud and clear English every time he visited the Roadhouse; which was probably why John only ever visited to drop the boys of for a few weeks during a hunt or to pick Ash’s brains on a problem he was having with a hunt; which Ash always said that was down right stupid because there wasn’t nothin’ he could tell John Winchester about the Supernatural and about Hunting and Killing the Supernatural that the man didn’t already know. Of course, it wasn’t always that way, John had been a chicken (a beginner) once too. It was just that his natural affinity for the Hunt was down right unsettling. Ellen would say it was scary if she didn’t know that what he was using that unsettling skill of his to do was fighting even more unsettling and damn terrifying things – keeping his boys and Ellen’s daughter Joanna Beth safe from the monsters under their bed. 

 

Ellen had understood at first, after all Dean had only been four and Sammy just about six months old. By not telling them straight away he’d been protecting the kids – just like any good father would, like William and Ellen had done with Jo, waiting until she was older so she could fully understand what they were telling her and how this would affect her life. Of course, by the time she was old enough to tell William had gone and gotten himself killed which had made it that much tougher to tell Jo, but that hadn’t stopped Ellen from doing so. But no matter what Ellen, Ash, Caleb, Missouri, Bobby, Jo, and any other hunter or mystic had to say to him John insisted on lying to the boys even when they were past believing the lies and had to make up their own truths. In some respects it was harder on Dean because he remembered a time when John had been his daddy and when he had had a mother. But then again he had a mission in life too, protect Sammy from the truth about dad. Protect him from the fact that their dad would rather be off ‘finding work’ or ‘visiting old friends’ during Sammy’s tenth birthday than be with Dean, Sam, and Missouri in Kansas. Protect Sammy from the knowledge that their father couldn’t make it to Sammy’s play recital or to parent’s evening or June or graduation. Soon Sam had thought of his own reasons that John couldn’t make it – that his dad was a drunk, a coward, and a loser. It was no wonder Sam had left for college without seeking his father’s approval because really it was more of a case of ‘what father’.

 

The only thing Ellen hadn’t understood was why Sam had left without seeking Dean’s approval.

 

4 – Dean

 

Life had not been a picnic, that was for damn sure. He barely remembered his mother’s face or the scent of her perfume or the feel of her lips on his cheek kissing him goodnight. What he did remember with perfect clarity was the fire the night she died; the heat of the blaze, the fear when he couldn’t find his mother, the sense of responsibility when his dad had put Sammy into his arms, telling him to take his brother outside, to protect Sammy. That night was the last time Dean would get a hug from his father except for the ‘goodbye’ types or the ‘sorry I missed your birthday but I can’t explain why’ types.

 

As a child he had made up fanciful stories to tell to Sammy about their dad. Things like that he was in the CIA and went on undercover operations to save the world or that their dad was a superhero living a double life. Sammy had been five when these tales had stopped comforting him even in the slightest. By time he was ten Sammy was telling people that they didn’t really have a dad, but they were looked after by close family friends. It had hurt Dean to hear Sammy speak so lowly of the man that Dean remembered had used to be a super hero to him as a small boy of three and four. But then Dean would remember their dad’s latest excuse for missing birthdays and June and he would try and distract Sammy by saying that they had to think of a prank to play on Jo (Ellen’s daughter who was a few years younger than Sam) or watch a movie.

 

Dean knew he could handle whatever life threw at him as long as he had had Sammy with him. But Sam had left – he had out grown Dean, become a man and an independent man who wanted things very different from what Dean had wanted. Because in simple terms; while Sam had wanted normality – marriage, college, a proper job -, Dean had just wanted Sammy.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: Chapter One - Things That Go Bump In The Night  


* * *

Friday November 1st 2005, 4am

 

Sam had been sleeping peacefully until the sound of his girlfriend Jessica Moore whispering his name in the still night. “Sam – Sam! Sam, wake up I think I heard something.”

 

“I’m up.” Sam whispered back and listened to the silence within the flat that he shared with Jess. A moment later his ears picked up a sound coming from their living room. He reached for the baseball bat he kept under the bed in case of a robbery and crept out of bed. Having lived in the small apartment which was conveniently located close to his Stanford campus for over two years now Sam was lucky enough the know where the floor boards creaked and where they didn’t so he made no sound as he made his way to the living area; which was where he saw a silhouette of a man; roughly six foot one, standing over his television set. Sam sneaked up behind the intruder and raised the bat over his head only to have the other man turn around like a whip and knock his legs from underneath him and pin him to the ground. It reminded him of when he had insisted on wresting with Dean when he had been nine and Dean, then thirteen, had had a few inches on him and a few pounds and had beat him with ease. Eerily the man chuckled.

 

“That was so easy I’m embarrassed for you!” the familiar voice of his brother taunted him.

 

“Dean?” Sam said and used his weight to throw the smaller man off of him. “What the Hell are you doing here?” Sam stood up and leaned against a near by wall determined not to let his older brother see how much that had hurt his back while Dean practically jumped off of the floor with surprising grace and balance. They could see each other clearly now, their eyes had adjusted to the dark and the moon was almost full which helped.

 

“Funny you should say that. Dad’s missing.” Dean said seriously.

 

“As opposed to all those times that he’s been around and we knew where he was?” Sam asked sarcastically.

 

Dean looked almost sheepish – well, as sheepish as he it was possible for Dean to look. “Just listen, ok?” He said, sounding defensive. Sam crossed his arms across his chest and tried really hard not to roll his eyes. “After we arg- when I saw you at Ellen’s a couple of years back in June, I over heard some guys at the Roadhouse talking. About dad. You know what they were saying, same old same old about obsessed John Winchester and how he did a complete 180 after his wife died in the fire, abandoned his kids blah-blah-blah… but they were saying other stuff too. Stuff like dad used to say when he was drunk, about things we never believed were possible; things that go bump in the night, Sam.”

 

“The only things that go bump in the night, Dean, are drunks and my brother breaking into my home.” Sam said, remembering the stories about angry spirits and werewolves and demons as well as his brother did. But that was all they had been, crazy stories out of their drunk absentee father’s mouth.

 

“The door was open.” Dean defended himself.

 

“No it wasn’t, Dean!” Sam denied.

 

In the darkness Sam could see a smirk settle on Dean’s face. “Well, it is now.”

 

Sam sighed. “You were telling me about how you overheard a bunch of drunk men talking about Dad’s crazy stories.” He reminded his brother noticing the frown that graced his brother’s features as he nodded.

 

“Yeah but Sammy, they weren’t drunk. They were serious. And Jo mentioned that I was his son and they got talking to me. I listened to them and afterwards I decided to call Dad up. Told him I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He told me to ask Ash for some stuff he had left there last time he was at Ellen’s and then gave me some co-ordinates to meet him at. We ended up in Texas and we’ve been together ever since.”

 

Sam’s jaw was tight and he was shaking his head but he saw still listening. Why he really didn’t know. Dean had always wanted their dad to just be their dad again, like before their mom died. It was probably why Dean had let their dad get away with all the crap he had pulled over the years. Sam had never known John-Winchester-Daddy-and-Husband. His first memories were of living with Dean and Pastor Jim in Blue Earth, Minnesota when he’d been about three or four. “If you’ve been with dad ever since then how come he’s ‘missing’ now?”

 

“We spilt up. I took a… hunt down up in Canada and he went to Jericho and I haven’t heard from him since.”

 

“Dean – since when do you hunt? And I guess I shouldn’t even be surprised that Dad was in California and didn’t even tell me.”

 

“No way, dude. No way are you pinning that on dad. Yeah, I agree he has been a pretty lousy dad in the past but you are the one who made it pretty clear that you didn’t want anything to do with either of us now that you have the prefect life. Malibu Barbie girlfriend, perfect L-Sat score. No loser brother hanging over your shoulder, weighing you down, right? Look, I haven’t asked you for anything in two years. I kept my distance when you made it clear that you didn’t want me in your life anymore and now it’s time for you to pay me back. Because I am telling you that dad is missing and he needs us.”

 

“You’ve been spying on me?” Sam asked, not sure whether to feel like his privacy had been violated or if he should feel safer knowing that Dean had still cared enough to check up on him.

 

“No. I asked Ash occasionally how you were doing. You know Ash, he’s simply a font of information.” Dean said.

 

“Ash?” Sam said incredulously. Ellen’s Ash? The Ash who referred to MIT as ‘a school in Boston’ Ash?

 

“Sam?” Jessica’s voice came from the door way. She sounded confused and a little worried but very wide awake, and knowing how long it took Jess to wake up normally that meant that Sam had been down stairs for quite a while. “What’s going on? Who’s Ash? Are you Ash?” She asked Dean who eyed her warily. He knew who Jess was, Sam had taken great pains at that June to tell him who Jess was and exactly what she meant to Sam. She was just as hot as he had pictured, which didn’t really make him feel any better.

 

“No, I’m not Ash. In fact, no one in this room is Ash because at least ASH has some sense of family loyalty!” Dean said angrily at Sam. He was more angry that Jess was hear, in his face, rubbing his nose in what Dean didn’t have anymore, than at Sam. Which was stupid because he had known that she was with Sam still, that her name was on the lease as well as Sammy’s and that two weeks ago Sam had used a credit card to buy an engagement ring, although looking at her fingers Dean saw that she wasn’t wearing it so he assumed that Sam hadn’t popped the question yet. Dean wished that Sam’s delay was a sign of Sam having cold feet but he knew it was more likely that Sam was waiting for the perfect moment; violins playing and candle-lit music and all that bull. Personally Dean thought that a truer sigh that someone loved you would be saying yes to a proposal in a cheep and tacky diner because wasn’t that closer to real life, after all?

 

“Family loyalty?” Sam gasped back at his brother, wondering why he was being verbally attacked all of a sudden. “How the Hell can I have family loyalty to a man who practically abandoned me?”

 

“You’re right, Sammy. You don’t owe dad anything. But what about me, huh? I pretty much raised you from the word go and you fucking cut me out of your life with out a second thought? Without even a reason?” Dean shoved at his large baby brother.

 

“I gave you a reason!” Sam yelled back, getting defensive himself especially now that Jess was in the room looking nervously between the two brothers.

 

“Oh yeah? Trust me, ‘I think it’s for the best if we don’t see each other again’ is not a reason, Sam! It’s bull. But I did what you wanted so now you owe me and I’m collecting!” He said angrily.

 

“Fine!” Sam bit back.

 

“Fine!” Dean replied.

 

Sam and Dean panted heavily as if they had just ran a marathon. Dean recovered first and walked away from his brother, sitting on the sofa which was more comfortable than any of the beds he’d slept in over the past two years. The light was now on and Dean could see clearly how much and how little Sam had changed during the last two years. He could also see that Jessica was wearing a smurf tee and it did nothing to hide her ample cleavage. He stared at it rudely hoping she would feel uncomfortable enough to leave. Unfortunately she was so busy looking between Sam and Dean still waiting on that explanation that she didn’t notice so Dean decided to be a bit more obvious. “Love the smurfs.” Dean said brightly and Jessica looked at him confused before blushing.

 

“I should go change.” Jess said awkwardly, looking to Sam for conformation. When he said nothing Dean decided to push his luck.

 

“No, I wouldn’t dream of it. Really.” He leered. She placed a hang chastely on her cleavage and fled the room, finally leaving Dean and Sam alone again.

 

“How long had dad been missing?” Sam asked eventually.

 

“Two weeks, tops.” Dean replied. “I haven’t heard anything from him in at least a week but just because he called doesn’t mean he was where I thought he was.”

 

“He’s probably just found some hole to crawl into and is spending a long weekend with Jack, Jim, and Jose.” Sam told Dean cynically.

 

Dean shook his head. “Nah I’m telling you, man, something’s up. You just don’t know him like I do.”

 

“Yeah – that’s because I never got the chance.” Sam said.

 

“It’s a two way street, dude.” Dean pointed out.

 

Sam quirked an eye brow at his brother. “Not when you are eight years old listening to your dad bullshit you about why he will be missing your birthday – for the third year in a row.”

 

“Look, are you going to help me or not?” Dean asked, recognising that they weren’t going to get anywhere debating their father’s good points and his bad points. After all, Sam didn’t know the real reason why their dad had been absent most of their lives and Dean couldn’t yet enlighten him no matter how much it might change Sam’s opinion about dad. Because hey, at least the man hadn’t dragged them around North America with him on every hunt; exposing them to the dangers of the supernatural and teaching them to defend themselves like warriors, like soldiers. Now that would have been a tough up bringing.

 

“Fine, sure, I’ll help you. I just have to talk to Jessica first, tell her something convincing and then I’ll pack a bag.”

 

Sam disappeared to the bedroom. While Dean waited the cruised the room, picking up a photograph of their parents that had once rested on his mother’s bedside table, and one of Sam and Dean at Sammy’s high school graduation. One of the other people’s parents had held the camera for them. The last picture he picked up was the one which Sam looked happiest in, most content. In this picture Sam had a beer in his hands and an arm around Jessica with some guy who looked about their age holding two fingers above Sam’s head like bunny ears or aliens antennae. It really hurt that Jessica made Sam so happy and Dean had obviously failed to do so, and even though Dean should feel glad that Sam was happy – a good brother would – he actually resented Jess a little, but not as much as he blamed himself.

 

“No. I’m coming with you, Sam!” Jessica’s voice interrupted Dean’s thoughts. Five minutes later Jessica and Dean came out of the bedroom each holding a duffle bag each, Jessica’s lips looked like they had just been ravished and Sam’s hair was ruffled as it someone’s hands had been ran through it.

 

“You have got to be kidding me.” Dean said.


End file.
